Every married man wants to be a good husband. And every single man hopes to be a husband his future wife can be proud of.
But men who struggle with pornography frequently feel that the shame and the guilt they feel keeps them from being the kind of husband they long to be. The large amount of time they spend viewing pornography in isolation creates a widening emotional, trust, and honesty gap between the couple.
That’s why it is important that men battling pornography make a focused effort to become the man their wife needs and deserves. It is your responsibility to nurture your marriage.
Singer and songwriter Matt Hammitt said,
“Have you ever seen a garden that was once lush with plants and flowers become overgrown by weeds that over time suffocated its beauty? ‘Where is the gardener’ one may ask. In the garden of love and marriage, it’s YOU. You can’t expect your marriage to take care of itself. God has given you the responsibility to vigilantly care for your marriage in this way and He is there to help.”
Here are 5 ways you can be a better husband:
1. Deal with your selfishness
Before we are married, we can be selfish and not realize it. But after marriage, a mirror is held up to ourselves and we begin to realize how selfish we really are.
The Bible commands us in Ephesians 5:33 that “each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” Ephesians 5:25 goes even farther and says,
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Christ died for the Church, so as husbands we must die to ourselves – daily. According to Dennis and Barbara Rainey, authors of Starting Your Marriage Right, “Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage. It affects how we talk to each other, how we divide responsibilities in the home, how we resolve conflicts, and even how we spend our time.”
They continued, “To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your spouse. Unless you can give up your will and learn to depend on each other, selfishness will disable or destroy your marriage as you face the difficulties that are bound to occur.”
2. Become a servant
Watching porn is a selfish and dividing wedge in a marriage. You are not serving your wife if you continually retreat into your private fantasy world to view porn.
According to Got Questions Ministries, “The relationship is based on true love—the God-reflecting, God-given spirit of sacrifice. The Christian husband is more interested in his wife’s welfare than his own…He doesn’t ask what he can get from her, but thinks of what he can be and do for her.”
“As followers of Christ,” wrote Jimmy Evans of MarriageToday, ”around friends, among strangers, and especially within our marriages, we are to be servants. We are to put others’ needs ahead of our own. A husband and wife who constantly serve one another have discovered the secret of a great marriage.”
3. Understand your wife’s cycle
Whether you are newly married or have been married for several years, one of the most stressful times can be the monthly arrival of your wife’s menstrual cycle. This is the time she needs your full support and understanding as a husband.
Dr. James Dobson explains to men, “The production of estrogen increases day by day until it peaks near the time of ovulation at midcycle. That midpoint also happens to be the time of greatest emotional optimism and self-confidence.”
He continues, “Then another hormone, progesterone, is produced during the second half of the cycle, bringing with it increasing tension, anxiety, and aggressiveness. Finally, the two hormones decrease during the premenstrual period, reducing the mood to its lowest point again.”
The Clue iPhone app allows women to track their cycle, but it is also helpful for men so they know when to make her feel special and loved. Now your wife may not be happy to know you are tracking her period, but the extra attention can make all the difference.
Dr. Dobson said, “It is difficult for a man to comprehend the bloated, sluggish feeling which motivates his wife’s snappy remarks and irritability during the premenstrual period. Of particular importance will be a need for affection and tenderness during this time, even though she may be rather unlovable for three or four days.”
4. Manage tensions
As a man, you face things pulling you in different directions: work, kids, church, wife, volunteering, doing household chores, and a thousand other things demanding your attention.
You have to manage these responsibilities and prioritize them so you aren’t stressed and so you can take more of the load off of your wife.
There are other things you can do to make this time less stressful. For example, keep your sense of humor, don’t worry about small things, communicate clearly, and always put her first.
If you struggle with porn, spending more time with your spouse is crucial. You need to be with her instead of staring at other women on your computer screen.
5. Deal with lust
Your wife needs to feel protected and loved by you. She cannot feel that way if you are lusting after the women in your pornographic material.
When you were married, you promised her to love, cherish and be devoted to her until you died. By bringing other women – even if only on a computer screen – into your marriage, you are cheating on her, and you are crushing her spirit.
In the 12-DVD Conquer Series that helps men overcome porn usage, Dr. Doug Weiss asks the question, “Which way is your sword pointing? Because what a man loves is what he protects.”
He says to protect your wife:
- You have an accountability guy you are honest with and accountable to on a regular basis.
- If you’re a porn addict, you’re in a support group of some kind.
- You would have a porn blocker on your cell phone and computers.
- You would have boundaries on your entertainment. What movies you can and cannot see.
- You would be able to say ‘no’ to things that you shouldn’t be participating in.
Dr. Weiss adds, “If you’re doing the things I suggested, your sword is aiming against the enemy and protecting those behind you. If you’re not doing those things, your sword is actually aimed toward your family.
Towards your wife that you say you love…Which way’s your sword aiming?”
The Conquer Series helps you overcome porn
If you really want to win your battle with porn and restore your marriage to a healthy relationship, there is hope for you.
The Conquer Series was developed to guide men to victory over their pornography usage. Nearly 1,000,000 men around the world are being helped by these powerful cinematic videos. A personal journal and study guides provide additional insights and encouragement.
Order the Conquer Series today and watch God begin to perform miracles in your marriage.
The Conquer Series is a powerful cinematic 12-disc DVD series which is helping over 1 million men conquer porn and walk in freedom.
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